I let go of all that is around me, I let go of all that I am holding within me. I surrender to all that is. I feel light, I float. I soar, high, releasing, letting go. I am bliss. I am everything.
The internal dialogue starts. I mean it's always there, nagging, waiting for me to be under pressure or confused or uncertain. It stops. And then it begins.
"Slow down. Stop pushing so hard. Take it as it comes. But you won’t be successful. How am I going to make money? What if I run out? What should I do next. Will anyone come along? What if they don't? What will it cost me? How do I reach people? How can I share my classes, my messages? When will I ever feel certain, steady, comfortable?"
"What is success? And why is it so fleeting?"
It's hard to describe what happens when you take a leap. There is a focus and determination, there is time to get things done, there are good days and there are bad days. And for all of you that are spammed with my yoga 'stuff' you will see that I am working hard, that there is a lot happening. And there is. But at times there isn't.
There is an element of ease in being able to turn up to a studio, that’s not yours, share the practice of yoga with a bunch of incredible students and then head home knowing that your pay cheque is on the way. It’s not always as simple as it sounds, trying to navigate building your own career and balancing that with as much self promotion as you can so as to not piss off the studio owners but equally knowing that you can’t be teaching 30 classes a week forever.
It's hard. So damn hard. There is frustration, there is doubt, gosh there are so many damn emotions that are attached to this. Then there's love and gratitude and openness and space. There is a heart felt deep breath letting go of the negativity, coming back to centre and trusting the process. You know I'm lucky really, I've got homes on both sides of the world, I've got support and friends and family and a loving partner. I'm not alone, I know that, but if only you knew how alone one could feel when you are home each day, in a place that is home but not home at the same time wondering if anyone will turn up tonight.
I grew up with the most steady, loving, stable family and I've been supported to forge my own path. I've worked 9-5, I have a degree, I have qualifications in yoga and mindfulness and anatomy and business and I can combine those together to offer words, to be taken or left, to support, perhaps even to help. I've chosen, willingly, to let go, to trust my heart and intuition to follow a pathway that moves away from what I've been brought up knowing, from what I've know.
It's not easy. But is life ever easy? I'm learning to embrace the learnings that life is giving me right now. I'm not doing it well, but there are moments where inspiration comes over me, when I remember all of the things that I share with my classes, with the people I work with, and I find my path again.